Pleading insanity for the sake of hilarity

What is the definition of insane? Answer: Not of sound mind, mentally deranged or utterly senseless. Sounds a lot like all the things I go through on a daily basis. But, to label myself as "being insane," I'd be inviting critics of all walks of life to make suggestions, hand out advice and feed me BS that I really don't need. So, more often than not, when someone asks me how I'm doing, I answer with "Oh, I'm keeping busy," or "Doing awesome!" The truth is, when I'm asked how I am, I instantly find myself scrambling for an answer to substitute for "Don't the bags under my eyes give it away?" or "How good of a masseuse can you pretend to be for an hour?" or "I'd love to talk with you, but, as always, the second I get a minute for myself my kids are screaming, fighting, wet or hungry, so I'll have to chat with you later. - Oh, and I'm fine, thanks."

I wonder what kind of a response I'd get if I answered "I've been dying to tell you....I'm insane!"

Of all the things to get "easier" after the first year of having twins and a toddler, getting a backache is not what I would have put at the top of the list. It probably wouldn't be this way if the twins didn't love to be held at the same time. Always. Lucky for us, Cooper is a little more independent and just likes to be off on his own, walking "like a big boy." Yay, for him! My arm muscles are quite strong, and my legs are beginning to tone more with the running around that I do, but the back......It may be time to invest in a back brace!

I can't say that I'm surprised when I walk into a room, or a store with my purse slung over my shoulder, a baby under each arm and I'm directing cooper with my foot, and people stare with jaws dropped to the floor. I feel like a spectacle, and believe me when I say it's the last thing I want. Yes, I shop with all my kids - Safeway and Rosauers have graciously designed carts just for stupid mothers like me who insist on taking their whole clan of kids to shop. I feel like I have now mastered the art of driving the undriveable shopping cart. But the hardest thing is not shopping with the kids anymore. It's the strangers who insist on stopping me to ask me if the girls are twins, google and oogle at them when I say yes, and then engage Cooper in conversation so he "doesn't feel left out." It's the same thing every single time I go out. And, the comments are the same. "You're one busy momma." "I bet they keep you on your toes." "That's a load of kids you've got there!" I mean, come on....I KNOW that I'm busy - I'm SHOPPING with them. YES they keep me on my toes. And NO my son doesn't need you to suggest that he's possibly being left out of anything. Aaaargh! Self proclaimed psychologists and surrogate "grandparents" can be found in nearly every aisle of a grocery store, and it sucks.

I often try to sing to my kids while I'm shopping, which could easily get me labeled as insane without me claiming it myself. I get in a zone, sing children's songs to keep them happy, and sometimes, I actually shop in peace. So, to all those people who insist on stopping mothers while shopping with their kids: STOP IT! Really, we don't appreciate it. If you'd like to talk to us, give us your number and we'll call you when we have a free moment. It might be a few weeks, but, we'll call if we want to. All hail the mothers who do it all......All hail mothers of multiples!

A couple of nights ago my husband told me a joke. I laughed until I nearly cried. Then, he asked me for something that made me freeze in place. He asked me to tell HIM a joke. Now, you might think "That's not so bad," or "OK, so what's the big deal?" Right? Well, friends, that is a weakness that I haven't ever faced before. I can be funny in what I write, but, never am I telling jokes. It's a totally different concept to me! I did, in all fairness, try to remember one that I saw somewhere to share with him. As I began the joke, that I dug deep in the crevasse of my brain to find, he informed me that he'd just read that same joke a couple of months ago in a playboy magazine. Oh, yeah....That's probably where I saw it too! Oh, well....I guess the joke's on me!

All the hullabaloo about funny stuff made me think that truthfully, every single day there is something funny that we say, or do, and I'm fairly certain that's one of the greatest strengths we share as a couple. For instance, a couple of weeks ago we went through the drive-thru ATM at our bank. Corey noticed that next to the buttons on the screen was braille. He asked, why in the world would there need to be BRAILLE in a DRIVE THRU ATM?? I'm sure someone was just doing what they were told, but, really? Or, why do we drive in parkway, or park in a driveway? I'm sure you've heard that before. The one that got me laughing so hard with Corey was "If you spin an oriental man in circles, does he become disoriented?" Still laughing, even as I type! So silly, but so good for the soul.

And then, my kids....Where to begin. I'm beginning to wonder if it's at all a good idea to take them anywhere. My son, who is brilliant by nature, is very open and honest with whatever he is talking about. Unfortunately for me, right now his biggest concern is his genitalia. I've never been around little boys at this age, so this is a new territory for me, and sometimes slightly embarrassing. Grown men can easily adjust themselves when they're uncomfortable, but a 3 year old boy doesn't know what's going on. He whines, cries, kicks, screams and even yells out occasionally that he doesn't like his jewels anymore...He wants to get rid of them! Oh, poor boy. I unbuckle his seat belt, I shake his pants, make him jump around and do whatever it takes to allow him to comfort himself (almost whatever). He's usually fine within minutes and we're back to shopping, or driving, or whatever it was we were doing before the catastrophe began.

The twins are maniacal runners now. I'm sure they run in opposite directions on purpose, and I think that the tongue sticking out is really a shot at me, rather that just a funny face. It's like they're saying "come and get me mom!.....If you can!" With the Summer finally here, we've spent some time outside lately. I'm thankful every minute that Corey built us the fence. I couldn't keep up with the three little ones without it. I've had the pools out, but for some reason, my children keep being drawn toward the puddles left from the hose being pulled out of the pool, and the rocks that surround the play structure. Instead of splashing, they throw rocks to hear them crackle on the plastic, and then they stick a few in their mouths for fun. They chase bees, they bite the dog, they head for the stairs, they play in the dog water, they splash in the fountain and they stomp on my flowers. It's never at all how I plan for it to go, but somehow we always make it inside safe, happy and maybe a little dirty to boot.

Katie's been a great help since school got out a little over a month ago. This weekend, she'll be going to California for the rest of the Summer, so I'll have to figure out some better ways to manage my time. I'm sure she's ready for her break from us, and hopefully she has a good time. The older she gets, the more she wants to just be here with her friends. And in 2 years, she'll be able to work.....Hard to believe it. This is the first year that I've had all my children together for the 4th of July, and we had a blast. The local parade, fireworks, a little barbecue...It was perfect.

So, I might not be a comedian. But, the life I live is a daily comedy, and I love being right where I am, sharing the craziness, the sadness and the love in each blog I have time to create.

It could happen to you

The beauty of the Columbia Gorge is overwhelming. The mountains that surround Hood River are breathtaking. The trees and scenic views that can be seen along highway 35 are more beautiful than any area in Oregon. In the Summer, the Columbia River looks like a Chinese Dragon, with surfing sails and kite sails that flow together with the movement of the water and the wind. It's so beautiful, yet, I take it for granted. I drive fast, look past the water, and focus on the roads most of the time. How could I let such fantastic scenery just pass me by every day?

I had a scare today, that has made me rethink my purpose in life, the order in which I prioritize it, and how not to take what I have for granted. Four days ago I began experiencing chest pain - You hear that, and get scared. However, I have had pain before in my chest, and it turned out to be nothing. Well, actually, it was more like anxiety. But, really, nothing. So after the pain continued on to Wednesday, then Thursday, I felt like something just might be wrong. I decided to call the doc. After the receptionist answered and I attempted to make an appointment, she informed me that I had said the magic words: "Chest Pain." After a brief chat with the Triage Nurse, I headed in for an appointment with my doctor.

After rushing to town, I visited with the doc explaining the symptoms I'd had, the feeling I was experiencing and that, since it wasn't going away, I was a bit more worried than usual. By the exam conclusion she had decided it was Pericarditis - The inflammation of the sac around the heart. Oh, crap. She began to go over reasons why I might have this, and we semi-decided that it was part of a virus that had traveled through my body a couple weeks ago, and had apparently attacked the sac around my heart. I was given the option to go to the lab for blood work, or, go home, take 2 Aleve twice a day for a day or two and then come back for labs if I wasn't getting better. I chose the latter. Unfortunately, it wasn't getting better. So this afternoon I headed to town to the lab to have my blood drawn. I just knew that something wasn't right......I knew that I needed to have that test done.

I was home for maybe an hour, when the doctor called me. She said that my SED Rate was elevated and D-Dimer was positive and elevated. Both of these tests indicate inflammation, but the concern was now that I very likely had a Blood Clot in my chest, and the pain was a result of this. This was not the news I had anticipated. And to top it off, she told me that the results concerned her significantly enough that she wouldn't let me wait until Monday to follow up. I was ordered to go to the ER immediately. Now, we had plans tonight, of course, so we had to divert things a little. The birthday party we had intended on attending now became a childcare event for our little ones. But, I had to go....If I had a pulmonary embolism my life could be at risk. This night suddenly became one of the scariest periods of my life.

The ER staff was waiting for me when I arrived, not even 45 minutes after we got the call to go. I was stationed in an ER room, gowned down, hooked up to IV's, Oxygen and all sorts of cords for tests galore. I must have looked ridiculous. With my sweet husband Corey by my side every second I had blood drawn, I was poked, prodded and was intravenously injected with dye so that I could have a CT that looked for blood clots. I was scared shitless and I wasn't sure what to think, what to say or what to do. What if this was it? What if I did have a clot....all the signs say I do? If I died, would Corey be OK? And my kids.....Oh, God my kids.....How will they ever be OK if something happened to me?? I believe that this was even scarier than knowing I was having a C-Section to deliver my babies a whole month early. My chest was still in pain, I was dehydrated and beginning to go a little crazy. The wonderful nurse offered me something to "take the edge off," and boy did it work. About 10 minutes after I received the pain meds we heard cheering in the hall.....The tests came back for me and they were negative!!! No blood clot, no inflammation of the heart. To know that all those nurses and doctors were so thrilled to have the results in hand that they did made us realize just how critical, and how bad, things could have been had the results been different. We had someone looking out for us tonight, and we were exhaling in relief along with the rest of the ER staff. So....What was wrong you ask? Here's the irony - Turns out that I have apparently "sprained" my chest wall muscle from lifting things that are too heavy, repetitively. More namely, I injured myself being a mother. Lifting my little babies (the doc's guess) is most likely the cause of my chest wall injury, causing intense heart attack like pain, and shortness of breath - and because the injury has caused inflammation the blood tests showed an increase in the SED and D-Timer. Isn't that lovely?

In perspective, this has made us think about what we have to lose. We have everything to lose, and could do so at any time. Our lives are short, and we take them for granted. Without thinking that "it could happen to me," we go about our business, working, detailing, focusing, and tiring. But, living......I think we need to do more. When Corey held my hand tonight in the hospital, I felt so much love in his grip and I saw the fear in his eyes. I know now that I have got to stop every once in a while and remind myself that this life is now. This life is mine. This life must be lived and no matter what, it, whatever that might be, CAN happen to anyone.