Flappin's Not My Thing

Today was Katie's middle school registration. I hate this day. Not just today, but the last couple of years. Sixth grade was good - got some questions answered, and everyone seemed pretty helpful. 7th grade was exhausting, yet still tolerable. Today I wanted to scream. Who's bright idea was it to hold a registration for all grades, mixed together, in a gym with no air conditioning, all doors closed and NINETY DEGREES OUTSIDE??? There must be a better way. I felt like I was lined in a cattle herd awaiting a hot iron brand to be stamped to my ass. Most of our waiting was done behind the 6th graders and their parents who had every question imaginable for every person that they saw. Many of these parents asked the same questions over and over again, and every person answered the same, lengthy answer each time. My boiling point was reaching dangerous levels in this place today. Unfortunately there seemed to be a "no cutting" trend going on, so I would have been "that jerk" had I gone around. And, by the end of this parade we were all dripping sweat, and the children (not just mine) were screaming in complete misery.

With all that time I got to spend in line today, I had plenty of time to look around at all the people standing around me. I discovered that, although I'm a chubby little chicken, I was probably the best looking chubby chicken in that joint! That sounds so conceited, but let me clarify: I was probably the most appropriately dressed plus size woman in that gym. I try to make sure that, as a plus size person, I am not dressing like my 13 year old daughter. It's pretty easy not to, but still. There are some simple rules all of us big girls should follow daily: No super short shorts, no bra's hanging out, no skimpy tank tops in public without arm flap covers - That kind of thing. Is it really that hard for big girls to dress decently? I've seen this for years, and have had issues with it for a while, so I've decided to make a list for any larger than average chick who is confused with what's appropriate, and what's not. I've said it before, but I have to share it again. Lemme break it down:

• Tank tops are nice - But, nobody wants to see your gut or boobs hanging out like they're trying to escape from a straight jacket. Size matters, and with tanks and t shirts, sometimes bigger IS better :) Extra larger girls need to also cover up the wings they've got on the under side of their arms . No need to be flappin' like a bird if you ain't one.
• Buy a size up - It's just a number, and you'll look a thousand times better. Your husband will think so too.
• Spandex shorts are for working out. They aren't for dressing up in a tank top that's too small with a flashy pair of flip flops. (I saw this today, actually, and I came to the conclusion that the woman was in such a hurry that she just forgot to put her clothes on)
• Muffin tops are not cool. Not to say that I haven't had my share of them, but I wonder if many of the women whom I have seen display these aren't doing it because they think that's how they're supposed to look. IT'S NOT....It's not pretty, it's not cute and you're way overemphasizing something that shouldn't be emphasized at all. Keep em' in the bakery, ladies!
• Jeans are not meant to be squeezed in to - At least, not if you're over 30. You honest to God look like you're suffocating. Your butt does not become smaller with a smaller size. Your waist is also, still the same size. And if you think that you walk like a model in those smaller pants you're quite mistaken. You look more like a duck. Quack. Quack.
• This is a personal preference, but thongs (undies) should not be seen atop the waistband of your pants or shorts, no matter your size. Plus size girls should avoid them at all costs. Why would you want to draw attention to your already large back end with the display of some lacy or silky thongs sticking out the top of your pants? And those who do attempt this are also usually the girls who try to saran wrap their jeans to themselves. It's a no-win situation and if ever there was a picture of "trashy", well, that just might fit the bill. The thong is wrong when baby's got back!!
• And finally, though sometimes it's inevitable for them to be seen under tanks and tops, bra straps are not supposed to be worn with the intent of purposely displaying them in such a manner. Again, why do plus size women and girls feel the need to bring attention to areas that are naturally getting more attention than they need? They do not in any way make you appealing, and if someone is looking at you, it's not out of envy - It's out of pity, for the fact that you must put yourself on display in such a manner that is degrading, not only to yourself, but to the rest of the plus size population who at least TRY to look decent. Men will and do actually find you appealing with your clothes on, and with your bra straps covered. Give it a try sometime, cover up! It's a rush for those who've never done it before!

Ironically enough I blog this right now dressed in a tank top and shorts. However, I am comfortable in my own home, recuperating from the trip to registration hell and back. And, my over-shirt is hanging on the hall tree by the front door, just in case I must venture in public again - Cause' if I went out without it, people would think I'm trying to fly! And, flappin's not my thing.

At Least My Kids Aren't Jerks

So, I was at dinner with my bunco friends last night and it was brought to my attention that my blogging has fallen behind. Going to blame my children for this one - And, not necessarily in a bad way. These kids of mine have personalities that make one wonder if they were conceived in a circus tent. Obviously not, but they're crazy and we've had us some adventures this Summer.

This morning, the twins woke me up to a heated conversation they were sharing. I got up, changed their pants, and we went to the living room where they continued that crazy conversation for a good half hour. Some things we understood, some things were mangled. But, you could tell that they were saying something! They were talking SO much that it makes me wonder just how much sugar their father fed them before putting them to bed. Or how much they had to drink - I woke at 1am to change a wet bed, and woke to them being soaked again at 6am! That doesn't happen when I put them down. Hmmm......

The past couple of months have been exhilarating with these munchkins. They're learning new words (all three of them), and have all decided that being a drama queen is in their best interest. Well, I've got news for them - The only thing being as dramatic as they are will do is get them a nice paragraph written about them on my blog.

Nearly every word I say is repeated by my son for curiosity sake. He'll say "Damn it." Then ask, Can I say damn it, mom?" We then go into a good hour long talk about what's okay to say and what's not. He has said some words to me, or in front of me, that would in no way possible come out of my mouth. I then begin to wonder who in the hell decided to share that stuff with my son!! There are never any confessions.

Mackenzie is such an actress. And, for the record, I know that they've been studying their big sister since they were born in order to try to master the art of dramatic manipulation. It works sometimes. So, back to Mac - This child will act out and recite movies like she's trying out for a part. It's actually quite amazing to watch her in action - She will dance around, hum to the music, sing along and join in like she's a part of the show. Now, as wonderful as her little drama stuff is, she's definitely not prim and proper. The girls have a dress up box that contains some of Katie's old ballet tutu's and performance attire - Rayla can dress herself up in a flash. But, Mackenzie - Not so much. The last time she tried to put on the tutu dress she wound up with her head through the leg hole and the arm straps under her feet wallowing on the floor because she couldn't move. She then became so angry at herself that she just broke down - I tried to help, but the stinker wanted to do it herself. She hasn't touched the dress up clothes since. She's happiest just playing in dirt.

Little Rayla is a non-listener. She doesn't like to listen to what she's told. In fact, she ALWAYS does the opposite. I tried to play opposite day with her, but then she did what I said. And, when I tried to outsmart her by saying "yes" on opposite day, she decided we weren't playing that anymore, and did it anyways. She runs away and laughs like a little monster who's being ornery for the complete and utter joy of it. On a lighter note, the kid can dress herself up to look like "Raypunzel" and be the scene stealer of any moment. We call her "Raypunzel" because of her hair - It's down to her butt! What 2 year old has hair that long? Well, mine does, I guess. And she milks every bit of that nickname - Stinkin' little princess!!

Katie spent 2 months in California and returned last week. She flew home alone this time, and though she was scared shitless, she did just fine. I can't express just how happy I am to have her home. It's funny - When she's here, we go on living every day, doing what we need to do and I find that I often fight with her. And, by the time summer comes each year, we're both ready for a break. In fact, that's most often the time when she discusses not living in our house anymore. But, by the end of the Summer, she's missed us and ready to come home and be a happy family again. As am I - Cause', there's no denying that her help to me is of a magnitude that a thankful expression on a blog can't justify. She's wonderful - and I'm SO glad she's home.

I do not get out as much as I did even three months ago. Something has changed in my children - Something evil. They LOVE to get in the car and go somewhere, as long as that somewhere is not Safeway, Rosauers or Walmart. I might actually just blame the stores. And, I think that there's a "psycho" mist they spray on us as we walk in the door for the sole purpose of making us leave sooner than planned. I mean, it's absolutely amazing how my children could be fine at the car, and even through the parking lot. But, the moment we set foot in the store they become creatures unlike anything I've every seen. They scream, flail, kick, grab things off the shelf and throw them, unbuckle themselves and climb out of the carts like their freestylin' at the playground. I've seen this many times over at the store with other people and their ONE child. But, two or three children doing this at the same time?? Oh my God..... And I say that directly to the man..... But, it's pretty surprising I haven't been banned from one or more shopping establishments. And, in every instance, we come out without something on our list.

I rely quite a bit on my child leashes for the girls when I go anywhere else. I look like a dog walker when I'm out and about with them, but, if the shoe fits......! I just don't have enough hands to do it without them! Some people smile at me, some people commend me for my "smarts" in child control, and some people sneer at me. The people who smile are usually older, and silently thanking me for not being that asshole parent who lets their children take over and run amock screaming and terrorizing anything that comes in their path. The people who commend me are usually parents in similar situations who often do the same, or are admiring me for giving them the idea to use themselves. And the sneers - Well, those often come from the asshole parents who let their children run amock, screaming and terrorizing anything that comes in their path BECAUSE they think that they're giving their children the freedom to express themselves, be creative and have FUN! It's no fun watching children act like jerks, especially when their parents are letting them do it. Heck, if my kids are being butts, we leave - It's as simple as that. I'm not going to allow them to disrespect me or anyone else because they need to be creative. My kids can be creative by repeating what I say after we've returned to the car and I've sworn to myself out of pure frustration and angst.......

And, into the school year, I'm going to have many moments of craziness - I'm still babysitting other children! How stupid can one get, right? Haha. What I'm looking forward to the most is the dentist appointment that the children have next week in which all three are going to be in a chair, with a little boy I babysit at my side. I was supposed to watch my 1 year old niece that day, too.....But that might be a little much.

I don't ask for torture. It seems to happen naturally for me. I just go with the flow. And, sometimes I get caught up in the current......But, at least I haven't drowned.